You Are My Sunshine

Before 2020, I never really had a cat as a pet. I always had dogs and I loved them. After I put my sweet TannerBug down in November of 2019 following weeks of ups and downs, I swore off ever giving my heart away to another animal. The cat that lived in my household heard my vow, and responded with actions that communicated “challenge taken”.

Suddenly I found myself looking forward to getting up in the mornings to give Ms. Kitty her morning “treat teats.” Soon she was suckering me into mid-morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon, evening, and night time "treat-treats". She began to join me for my morning coffee, and even sleeping with me at night. Sometimes she put her paw in my hand as if we were holding hands while we slept next to one another. She won over my heart, darn cat!!

I have fallen so in love with her that I find myself almost telling her that she is my sunshine, a phrase that has only been stated to my Tanner, and I have committed to keeping it that way. But it frequently wants to slip out of my mouth as I speak to her. I often stop myself from telling her that mid-sentence. She has stolen my heart, and I carry with me the knowledge that inevitably she will break it the same way that Tanner did.

Recently, my household grew in pet number by 2. Two cute little kittens were found on the side of the road terrified and in danger of getting hit by a car. These little guys were infested with fleas, ear mites, and their fuzzy tails were crusted with blood. What do you do when you are faced with such a situation, but to rescue the sweet little guys, and so that is exactly what we did.

These two guys are not mine, but they share my home, and they love to cuddle with anyone who will let them. They have adjusted well to indoor life, and to our family. Ms. Kitty on the other hand has not adjusted well to them at all. She is angry at the household additions, and even angrier when I show them any sort of affection.

Ms Kitty does not share coffee time with me anymore, and she spends a lot of time sulking. She still likes to have time with me, but she makes sure it is when I am the only one in the room, even if that means that she follows me to the bathroom. I have often looked over while petting one of her rivals, and noticed her glaring at us in disgust. I can’t help but feel like I am getting caught having an affair. No matter how I try to show her that she is still my sweet girl, she will not relax into the new situation.

I have been struggling through some very rough life transitions and difficult questions that seem to have no answer. I am a Jesus believer, but that can be hard to hold onto during storms of life. I find myself asking, “Why would God allow these situations?” “If God is here, why does he feel so far away?” “What could possibly be the purpose of what I have been going through?” "Will he make things right in the places where I have been wronged?"

The day I first wrote this was a day where the emotional darkness felt so heavy I could hardly breathe. I certainly was not able to see past my grief and depression. In one of those moments, alone in my room, with my sweet kitty, I could see her need to connect with me. So I stroked her, continued to look straight at her and I assured her, “You are still my girl. I am your person. Why do you question that?” Instantly I felt a “God whisper” in my heart that said, “Same”.

Over the next several moments as I pet my sweet kitty, I saw flashes in my mind's eye of my own story. The story of failures turned into victories. Stories of how the crocus became my theme flower, how I accidentally discovered my love for writing, the way that some of my biggest tragedies, and worst abuses have become some of the most useful tools in my career as I work with real people. I saw the journey of Hope Embers. I saw God’s hand in every moment of my life, and I began to see the light in the darkness that I was feeling.

And so I share this, on my website, a second time as I am revamping my career, to tell you too. You are God’s child and you have not been forgotten, no matter what darkness you are in. No matter how you feel about him. No matter what your tragedies or victories, or story. His hand is on you, He has not forgotten you, and He loves you. You are His sunshine, He has not reserved that name only for a chosen child. He has chosen that name for you. May you feel His presence today…and even if you don’t, know that does not change the truth of it. He promises in Hebrews 13:5 he will never leave us or forsake us, so we are to stop looking to the outside world, comforts or money for comfort.

Trust in His love can feel hard, but He shows His love when He calls us to trust in His love for us.